Men's Leadership

In the Christian cultural discussion of men’s leadership, I think there is sometimes too little emphasis on the father-daughter relationship, and too little willingness to enter the battle for their hearts on their turf. Yes, it’s important for sons to see dad as a clearly visible mentor and leader. But our relationship with our daughters needs a lot more care and maintenance than most dads probably suspect. Let’s put it this way: A dad can’t really give his daughter away at her wedding if her heart wasn’t his to give in the first place.

The worst thing a father can do is cede the battleground of his daughter’s heart to the pop-culture. Online influences will pull at her, encouraging unhealthy relationships and emotions, promoting exactly the wrong advice to deal with the confusing whirl of emotions on her path from little girl to young woman. I’ve seen so many fathers who have given up trying to talk to their girls for reasons ranging from hostile attitudes to simply not being able to relate to each other. All the more reason not to give up the quest to capture their hearts.

Failure is not an option. Your daughter’s happiness in a life-long marriage may very well be at stake, because remember, her relationship with you is going to heavily influence her choice of a husband and how she relates to him. She’ll either see your example and run toward that type of character in a mate, or despise you—fairly or unfairly—and run the opposite way.

Don’t waste these years. Do a full court press to win her heart, or win it back if you feel like you’ve lost it. It can be done, and although it will be painful, it will be worth it. Show humility and flexibility. Exert your parental authority when needed, but wear her down and win her over with kindness, compassion and understanding. And by all means, if she’s old enough to be online to any degree, engage with her there as much as you can. Being a positive influence online is as important as it is in the home when face to face at the dinner table.

In the hyper-connected world we all live in now, ceding technology to the enemy is to lay down on the battlefield and accept defeat. Technology is both a wonderful thing when used as a tool for building healthy relationships, and an incredibly dangerous tool to enable people to disengage from one another on a personal level. As one who makes a living online, I know firsthand that the Internet (and by extension, mobile communications and social networking in general) is fraught with danger, and disaster lurks around every corner online. Whatever limits you choose to set for your teens, I believe it is important not to step away from the battlefield of their heart and let the social influences of either shallow friends or outright strangers steal them away.

While it’s important for fathers to set clear boundaries online, we shouldn’t be afraid to enter the battlefield of online communication on their terms. My wife and I are not ones to give our teens cell phones until they absolutely need it, and even then, we have plenty of rules and accountability commensurate with the level of maturity and trust each one displays. There is no “16 gets you a smart phone” or any rule like that. Responsibility is doled out based purely on the trust level of the relationship, and that’s an important life lesson for them.

One they have a phone, however, I believe it’s important to take full advantage of it as a tool to connect with them in a medium they are naturally drawn to. If you’ve allowed them to have a social network account (a decision that is going to vary based on the level of trust you’ve built up), then engage with them on it. Become a wizard at texting and touching base with them throughout your week. Send them verses or positive messages (hint: email is so last year). Tell them how beautiful they are. Like their photos on Instragram.

There is a fine line between stalking and micro-managing your girl’s social life on one hand, and building your online connection with them on the other, and that line isn’t going to be drawn at the same place for every father/daughter relationship. You may even decide to give them some online “space” so they have some level of privacy. But keep in mind that hearing from dad may not be as meaningless or undesirable to them as they let on at first.

If this is your first attempt to engage with them (or even if it’s not), there may be some awkwardness for awhile, and a need to talk things through and reach some understandings about your intentions. They need to be able to trust you with their heart, and that means being trustworthy and respectful of their feelings, even when you think your rational analysis of their feelings is more accurate. Remember that deep in the heart of every daughter is a little girl who wants to be honored and cherished by her daddy, and online mediums can be a good tool when face to face conversations are more difficult. Don’t let online communication be a substitute for face to face fellowship, but by all means, let use it as an ice-breaker in your effort to capture their hearts.

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There are times when our leadership roles, or at least our aspirations to influence our families, churches, and communities for good, have us feeling like we’re at the top of the world. This is a good feeling, and can be confidence-building, but it’s not always a healthy one. That’s because feeling like we’re at the top of the world makes us think for awhile that God…isn’t.

We all have down days. Sometimes those days can drag out into weeks. Times of financial hardship especially can bring this out in us men. They are reality.

But they are also necessary. All good and godly men have experienced those times when God is clearly saying “You’re not at the top of the food chain. I am.” And there’s a reason for that.

Those times are as important to our growth as leaders as the good times. We need to appreciate them, not fight them. Learn from them, but don’t let them define us. Impress into our memory what it feels like to be down so we can relate to others and pick them up when the opportunity arises.

Feeling like a failure…which is a common feeling for men…is a message from Satan, but learning that we are not on the throne is a message from The Divine. It’s all in how you look at it, and that’s the point.

It is not overstepping our bounds to question God and wonder what He’s doing. David did it many times in the Psalms:

“O LORD, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry. For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave. … I am like a man without strength. … You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths. … You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, O LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you.” ~Psalm 88:1-9 (NIV)

“How long, LORD? Will You hide yourself forever? Will Your wrath burn like a fire? … LORD, where are Your former lovingkindnesses, which you swore to David in your truth?” ~Psalm 89:46-49 (NKJV)

God doesn’t mind the questions, as long as we’re looking to Him for the answers. As leaders, we need to understand that the times of darkness that plague our human existence are just there to grow us into the men God wants us to be. God knows that what doesn’t kill us, if we’re seeking His face, just makes us stronger.

Just as it is impossible to feel on the top of the world without ever experience life’s valleys, it’s also impossible to know the resolve of a true leader without that resolve ever being tested. Untested resolve is just bravado.

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There is a glaring disconnect between men’s interest in leading grand enterprises like multi-million dollar corporations, non-profits, and political campaigns, and their interest in leading their families. We gravitate toward the one, and think these pursuits worthy of our utmost attention as if lives depended on us–and to be sure, they do–yet we run from the other with unholy fear.

How many politicians have you seen in the news who have built great followings with soaring speeches and pleasant words, but who set low bars for moral and spiritual leadership at home? Broken marriages and ruined family relationships are the result, because there is no one who sees the disconnect better than those who know him best. The disconnect invariably affects the worldly empire he has built, and like a wrecking ball, destroys the tower of good will that was once enjoyed.

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When you add up your influence on those around you, would you say you’re in the asset column or liability column? Are you a credit or a debit? Do you contribute to the “bottom line” of those you lead (and we all lead someone, whether we want to or not), or do you drain “cash flow” from that bottom line by squandering the opportunities you’ve been given?

Put leadership into financial terms and it seems so much more meaningful, doesn’t it? If your life is a budget, where are your cash resources going each month? Are there holes in your budget that need to be tightened up so you don’t waste precious cash in a tough economy?

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The guy who abuses the loyalty of his wife, kids, or employees out of a sense of superiority or privilege is a fool, squandering his ability to have any positive influence over them. That’s because authority in theory does not guarantee influence in reality. A police office may have a badge that gives him authority, but if he’s dealing with a drug dealer who doesn’t respect that authority, his influence is nil.

Jesus knew that moral authority was a more effective tool of leadership than authority granted from on high. Moral authority is real influence, and can’t be bought, sold, or granted. It can only be earned.

God granted Jesus dominion over mankind, but Jesus earned the influence he had over his disciples over the course of thirty years on earth. He lived, loved, taught, and served. He earned the trust of his followers through a consistent example of sacrificial leadership that placed his followers needs over his own. All of the authority of God Almighty couldn’t accomplish what Jesus’ years of sacrificial ministry accomplished: loyalty and lasting personal influence.

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The leader who never asserts his authority has none. That’s not to say that leaders should exercise authority arbitrarily, just for the purpose of maintaining power or control. That is a manipulative strategy of Machiavellian tyrants, not Christlike servant-leaders.

Nevertheless, a leader can’t be a wallflower, never speaking up when it’s his turn to set the pace or direction for those who look up to him. Who is he pretending to lead if he has no influence when the chips are down?

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The topic of men’s leadership has been near and dear to my heart for years. I was not a born leader, and the older I get, the more I learn that few people are. Yet in so many roles in life, men will be put into leadership positions. It is not a question of if but when.

All men (and women, although that’s not the subject of this blog) are called to lead in some way, whether as the heads of our families, as employees responsible for getting a task done, or as guys who stuck their hands up at the wrong time at church and thus “volunteered” to head up the next big outreach project.

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